THE 13 PRESCRIPTIVE PRINCIPLES ("STEPS")OF LIBERALS ANONYMOUS
1. WE admit we are not powerless over liberalism, but nevertheless, that we have allowed it to make a mockery of our cities, our schools, our universities, our borders, our foreign policy, and our daily lives.
2. WE have finally, belatedly, and bearing well-deserved shame, come to understand and know that a Power incalculably greater than ourselves can restore us to spiritual and moral sanity.
3. WE made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as He is rather than as we would have Him be for our convenience and self-esteem.
4. WE made a searching and (hopefully) fearless spiritual, moral, cultural, fiscal, and political inventory of our liberal, progressive, and/or socialist, opinions, views, selves and associations.
5. WE admitted to ourselves, to another as-yet-unrepentant liberal, our parents, a pollster, and a voting booth the exact nature of our previous wrongs, as well as the lack of either factual bases or reality to have supported much less committed them.
6. WE are entirely ready to have all these defects of character removed. Permanently.
7. WE humbly pray for the removal of our shortcomings and "good intentions" before they result in America's burial somewhere along the road to either a world-rendering nuclear "oops" or perdition.
8. WE made a list of all persons we had harmed with our kooky opinions, views, and acts by looking up everyone we ever knew in the telephone books for every city in which we ever resided and became willing to make amends to them all. Somehow.
9. WE made political and societal amends to Conservatives whenever and wherever possible, except when to do so would cause injury to anyone other than ourselves.
10. WE continued to take personal inventory of our liberal tendencies and when they are exposed promptly admit it, and symbolize that admission by making a generous contribution to the G.O.P. or a Conservative political action committee.
11. WE sought through hard work and dedication to improve our conscious contact with Conservative principles as reflected in Biblical teaching and Western Civilization, and prayed for the strength and ability to constructively carry them out.
12. Having experienced a political awakening of conscience, reality, and responsibility for this and future generations as the result of these Steps, WE evangelize the Conservative message to Liberals, progressives, academicians, and anti-American activists of every stripe wherever we can find them, and practice these principles in all our affairs.
13. Having experienced all of the above, WE vote only for true Conservative Republicans in every election, and plaster our automobiles with the biggest support stickers we can get as a visible outward sign of our inward moral regeneration.